Sometimes you can sure be tired of being good. People like me, all our lives we tried to get away from our beast of an ego, and we are proud because we did, but then again we realize that it is always there. It won't go. Our negative side still exists within us.
I feel like the more you progress down a spiritual path, the bigger the risk of falling there is. In reality, there is nothing to fall from, no fall from grace, but our ego goes through all kinds of tribulations and walks on a razor's edge in the eternal fight between right and wrong.
I got a steady life and a relatively good karma, but what good is it to the insatiable thirst? It is so easy to fuck things up. It is so damn easy to destroy, to let go, definitely easier than creating or even maintaining. What do you do when you are fed up with putting up, with maintaing, while the beast inside is ready to rage? So much rage, anger, and shame, nothing but soulfood for the ego.
I guess it's the fight of "another day". Much like an ex-addict, you gotta take one day at a time in order to maintain. Prioritize. See what it took to be where you are, and that there is no need to let negative energy come in your life and destroy everything you've built. At the end of the day, every insult, every bad thought, every negative connotation is not reality, we just let it in to prey on us. And that's not the way of Krishna.
So give praises and be here to fight for another day!
p.s. posting Cro-Mags (well, White Devil), because I fucking love them and it feels like this music is the only thing that relates in hard times like this. This has been playing non-stop the last few days.